i have been struggling a lot lately. with wondering if i need to speak up about things that are bothering me, how friends are treating me, how i’m treating them and myself. i get so frustrated about how i feel so disconnected from everyone else that i love, either by distance or busyness…i hate busyness. life is much too fast the way we live it now and i don’t like that. i think about all the wonderful moments i’ve been able to share with people this past year from being unhurried and letting myself appreciate them and not who i think they should be.
it’s a lie we’re telling ourselves to believe that we can live more fully by cramming more into our day. because i live more by doing less. expecting less and enjoying more. i’m so ambitious sometimes i’ve forgotten how to love where i am right now. and that is no small feat compared to who i was ten years ago, even five years ago.
i worry too much about my weight, whether i’m beautiful enough, whether i’m brilliant enough and i forget that i am already wonderful right now. even though i don’t feel wonderful. there is a humble power in my uniqueness, in all of our individuality and interdependence. there is a powerful beauty in our imperfections.
and for that matter i’m tired of all the comparisons i make every minute of every second of every day of who i am compared to what other people my age have accomplished, of how i look, of how i’m aging, of what clothes i own or where i work and what i do. i’d rather be free than “successful” and i’d rather feel love than have an unfounded sense of superiority over someone because i weigh less or drive such and such a car because these things fade. they just fade away.
i think that was all i wanted to write.