i have been spending quite a bit of time thinking about the next step in my life. feeling a little distant from everything. feeling a little out of practice with translating my thoughts into statements. the rainy season has started here. i have been cleaning all day. getting ready for the Sabbath. it’s a cultural habit i can’t let go of now. and i don’t want to because it’s nice to have the apartment clean for a day. it’s strange how that works. because now i like to clean, when i was younger i didn’t have time for it.

and wow that overwhelming feeling of deja vu. am i just repeating my life over and over again?

and sadly, just found out about the great barrier reef being declared dead. after 25 million years it can no longer survive in this world. it should be a wake up call and yet no one cares, or there is no mobilization efforts to consume less on a grand scale. and what about myself? how am i consuming less? how can i afford to consume less? that’s the more frustrating part. even though i want to live green i cannot afford to. so i recycle all that i can. i buy a lot less than i used to. but i still drink water from bottles. so that can go. i still dry my clothes in a dryer. i still watch a lot of tv. although i don’t want to. i become more and more convinced that tv watching is an addiction.

i don’t buy locally as much as i can. and i buy new clothes sometimes when i could be buying used. i drive a car that is gas powered because it’s what i can afford right now. and i live in an apartment 45 minutes away from work because i cannot afford the rent to be able to live and work in the same town. i would love to be able to walk to work everyday but i’d have to make around $30/hour to afford that and i make half that. and even then, would i want to spend that much of a portion of each month’s pay on rent for something i would never own? because i cannot afford to spend $750,000+ on buying a house in town. and there are no laws that put a cap on how much landlords can charge for their rent. and people call the US a first world country, a developed country. i don’t agree.

quite honestly, i am ashamed to be american right now. even though i do not align myself with either of the people running for president right now i still feel that burden of responsibility that this is where my country is right now. our priorities are so confused. where it’s ludicrous to want free education, but it’s acceptable to grope women. more men should talk about this. women can say that’s wrong, and have been saying that wrong for quite some time, but sadly, if men do not stand with us the sexism continues. and maybe that’s because men do not understand it, they don’t experience it, they don’t have to confront it everyday. they think it’s not a problem. and that’s a huge problem. because men still run this world. sadly. even though women are better equipped to.

although, one improvement i have been seeing at work is that there is much more transparency with wages than there used to be. and i think that’s good.