Control

<a href="https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/control/">Control</a>

 

wonderful-my favorite topic to actively be in denial about. i spend too much of my time worrying about how any given situation might play out-that i’m exhausted trying to plan and accommodate for any eventuality that i end up missing the entire point of living life.

do men do this too? i don’t know. i do know that it’s been one of the hardest habits i’ve had to break. the illusion (or maybe it’s delusion-yep i’m just straight up delusional LOL) that i buy into is that it is within my power to control situations when, in fact, i can only decide how i will react. planning is all fine and dandy i guess- i’ve never been much of a planner though so i don’t actually know. but plans don’t go as planned roughly 99% of the time. so at least i’ve let got of that exercise in futility.

maybe, i like the illusion of control so much because it gives me a sense of safety? of not having to be surprised. i don’t like surprises very much even though i’m a quite spontaneous type of person. at least i like doing things spur of the moment and used to really like going with the flow. i think that’s my natural state but i’ve had to subvert that for so long because of the way work works that i’m having a hard time figuring out who i am anymore outside of my capacity to do things for other people.

ah the process of self rediscovery fraught with existential crises. what a life.

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