wonderful-my favorite topic to actively be in denial about. i spend too much of my time worrying about how any given situation might play out-that i’m exhausted trying to plan and accommodate for any eventuality that i end up missing the entire point of living life.
do men do this too? i don’t know. i do know that it’s been one of the hardest habits i’ve had to break. the illusion (or maybe it’s delusion-yep i’m just straight up delusional LOL) that i buy into is that it is within my power to control situations when, in fact, i can only decide how i will react. planning is all fine and dandy i guess- i’ve never been much of a planner though so i don’t actually know. but plans don’t go as planned roughly 99% of the time. so at least i’ve let got of that exercise in futility.
maybe, i like the illusion of control so much because it gives me a sense of safety? of not having to be surprised. i don’t like surprises very much even though i’m a quite spontaneous type of person. at least i like doing things spur of the moment and used to really like going with the flow. i think that’s my natural state but i’ve had to subvert that for so long because of the way work works that i’m having a hard time figuring out who i am anymore outside of my capacity to do things for other people.
ah the process of self rediscovery fraught with existential crises. what a life.