oy, been wondering if i’ll feel the same about life at 40 that i do right now. and maybe in some ways i do want to feel the same way, of possibilities on the horizon of days filled with opportunities to try new things and meet different people with interesting ideas. i think what’s so hard right now is the upheaval, the change, the moving, the unknowing, but that’s also what makes things so interesting because i could choose to do a lot of different things. i could choose to go on a lot of different paths. and honestly, you can do that at any time in your life, it just feels harder when your stuck in that loop of working to pay for bills you have because you decided to move for a job where there are more bills to pay or where the rent is higher and you need a car to get to and from work. so you work harder and have less time to think about where your life is headed and where you want it to be heading because you’re working all this OT to pay for the bills to live semi close to where you work. it’s very circular. it’s hard to puncture that bubble of thinking that all work is is a bill payer. i wonder what i would actually do with my life if i did not have bills to pay?

i’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately. i wonder if other people ask this question too. it’s a pretty hard question to ask i think because it forces me to confront my choices and take some responsibility for the direction of my life. and it forces me to recognize what i’ve chosen, sometimes by default/unintentionally, what my priorities have been based on how i’ve been living my life. it forces me to recognize where i’ve been in denial and what i can do moving forward. sometimes this question is a good motivator and sometimes i just end up staying in bed for the rest of the day, daydreaming.

you never know what you’re gonna find when you puncture the bubbles of comfort you’ve created for yourself. you never know what’s gonna come spewing out.