Commit

this word makes me shudder with anxiety. it’s simultaneously boring and aspirational. will i ever commit to anything? i guess i’ve committed to non-commitment. HAHA! always waiting around to see what’s better has proven to have some significant drawbacks. like always feeling unfulfilled and undecided. directionless and aimless.

on the plus side being free to pick up and leave when i want is nice, but then i’m so afraid of missing out on something if i go i end up paralyzed by indecision. i still lose. interesting. and when i think about all the things i have committed too that are not helpful, like alcohol or smoking or making more money, i’m beginning to recognize what the underlying issue is. i’m trying to find a sense of security in all the wrong things. i’m trying to find a sense of identity in all the wrong things. i give too much to things that only take away from me.

i’m impatient and hurrying and afraid to look deeper at precisely the times i should be taking the longest looks at myself. this is over-simplifying it but i think for too long i’ve been letting my fear of the unknown, of the spaces in-between, of trying to figure out “my purpose in this life”, control where and how and why i live.

all of that aside, i’m kind of loving the fact that now i’m becoming committed to reading more books in this in-between time while i search for my ultimate life path (i.e. career-but actually so much more than that), i’ve been inadvertently, or maybe subconsciously, choosing books that fit exactly with what i’m experiencing and questioning right now. i love books. i wouldn’t say they’re completely judgment free but i do like that i can be myself when i read them. they’re accepting in that way.

i think the most important thing i can keep in mind is to always keep learning and get committed to change, feeling uncomfortable about a lot of things and learning. it should go without saying as well that i’m recommitting to searching for God. but i felt i should say that too. hopefully all this commitment doesn’t give me a heart attack. but whatever.

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