Cringe

cringe like the empty anger surfacing from places you didn’t know you had inside to just let it ride, regretful words too easy to unload and unable to pick up, strewn on floors of people’s lives you let them settle and cringe inside. to my credit i remember walking away less and less as i learned that what i had to say matters and i could stand in it’s aftermath, but i also learned to change so there wouldn’t be an aftermath…for better or for worse.

the marriage of ideals to everyday living. like the silent clamping inside between what i think i want to say and what i’m actually able to say. cringe at the ignorance of myself upon others. pray for forgiveness and realize they could care less, didn’t even notice the very thing that kept me up at night, horrified at my own incompetence with language and words and how to shape my tongue to spit them out before loading up to fire again. so violent, to be silent.

cringe at the raw, razors of light, awake all night, now i have to get up-can’t sleep with all the sun shining in, with all the din of silent light scraping my eyes. gritting my teeth and sitting up to face all the noise the day could bring. and looking in the mirror i see how i cringe in my sleep-indentations of a life lived caring too much what others think of what i say and how i say it and how i decide to live MY life. not really mine though. two tiny craters in two tiny teeth on the bottom. the stress of always over-analyzing might be getting me. not that my teeth were stellar to begin with but still-i feel each little erosion of them acutely. like losing pieces of the strongest part of me to a brain function i struggle to control.

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