Foggy

foggy seems to run rampant thru my head all the time. i’m trying to think of a time when i was clear headed but clear headed by myself without the help of caffeine. hmmm. still thinking. maybe the issue is that i over-analyze and am thus always running on full steam so much so that i’ve overtaxed my whole nervous system and now it protects itself with this cottony feeling of being in a fog, numb to [ironically] this over-stimulated reality i’ve created for myself.

is knowing half the battle? i sometimes feel that knowing the issue then dissolves my resolve to fight against it and change or let go of it. i see the knowing as the whole point and then move onto the next thing without always stopping to ask how can i do this differently? and knowing that even doesn’t always move me to action. it’s easier to be foggy headed sometimes. it’s a protection thing even though i constantly analyze and try to comprehend complex ideas and realities. maybe, it’s my brain healing itself from being over-used. it’s under-qualified for the strain i put on it constantly buzzing and shoving ideas through one synapse onto another-forcefully and zealously. trying to fit together the pieces because i can see the underlying pattern, the footwork of something more meaningful yet exceptionally subtle and hard to grasp.

and then the fog closes in saying enough, enough for today. sometimes it wins most times it doesn’t because over-thinking is not easily derailed. it fights against the “slow dying of the light”.

meanwhile, this cayenne flavored kombucha is really delightful. i think i like it so much because it gives you that warm glow that alcohol used to give me, but without all the side effects. i have cut back tremendously from drinking every night to now maybe once a quarter. and though i fought against that too, that was a battle i was happy to lose because drinking less has given me more of myself again. i don’t have to continue fighting not knowing who i am, because now i’m getting to embrace the freedom of my life without the growling need for wine or beer or whatever else was an empty filler in the blank spaces i was afraid to stare into and know. i am healing. and i thank God for that ❤

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