filed under words i want to punch in the face. just know i did not wake up this salty i actually had a wonderful day planned for myself of going to go write and study and that was foiled by humanity, moving en masse to the place i was hoping to find some solitude in. oy. it is the great irony to both love and feel such a great annoyance for people at the same time.

my life is sooo hard. i can see how ridiculous i’m being but there’s no such thing as snapping myself out of it, so then i get even more upset because i don’t want to feel this way but there’s nothing i can do about it until it decides to get off of me and go to the next person. it’s like a horrible plague. or a sandstorm. i can’t see my way out of it so i just sit tight and hope it passes soon. i guess now i can understand how i spend a lot of my time reacting to how i’m feeling including feeling the feeling itself and it’s just exhausting. does anyone do this differently? how do you experience emotions on a daily basis?

i would like to just have one day where i only feel like one thing maybe just joy. for the whole day. instead of, by the time i finally come to the end of my day i could write an entire novel on how i felt 10,000 things none of which made any sense and now here i am lying awake trying to decide which one of those feelings was actually me. when they all were and i just ran out of computing space in my heart to give them all the attention they demanded of me, for every second of the day. i think this is why i’m so exhausted, but i don’t know how to change it. i can’t not feel. it’s impossible. it’s like asking someone not to breathe. i just feel it all, man. i’m too woke to feelings.

i think i don’t like the word jolly-actually that’s not true i actually do like that word. it’s warm. and jello-y. and i like jello a lot. especially orange jello. mmmm. i’m hungry still. i guess i’ll go eat some toast and try to recover the dignity i always seem to lose first thing in the morning. it’s a way of staying humble. never having any dignity. so that’s good i suppose.


2 thoughts on “jolly

Add yours

  1. Hi, so I really love your post. I know it’s kind of a rant, but personally, I love a good rant, I do it myself sometimes, and hell, what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t blow off steam? You have a talent that I knew in another blogger many years ago, a young woman of genius IQ, who would write posts (all of them were rants, come to think of it …) but she did this magical thing where they were all really funny. Hilarious, actually. I hope that doesn’t offend you. I literally burst out laughing when I read your first sentence here.

    Yeah, emotions are overrated, maybe? Sometimes I do think to myself, “Where is the off button??” But I haven’t found it. Excellent post.


    1. 😂 thank you for taking the time to read my post. i like having visitors 😀 I do sometimes think that about emotions too but then my life would be pretty boring without them. and i agree, it’s nice to blow off some steam with writing. also, don’t get your hopes up, i’m pretty much an idiot. LOL!

      Liked by 1 person

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