filed under words i want to punch in the face. just know i did not wake up this salty i actually had a wonderful day planned for myself of going to go write and study and that was foiled by humanity, moving en masse to the place i was hoping to find some solitude in. oy. it is the great irony to both love and feel such a great annoyance for people at the same time.
my life is sooo hard. i can see how ridiculous i’m being but there’s no such thing as snapping myself out of it, so then i get even more upset because i don’t want to feel this way but there’s nothing i can do about it until it decides to get off of me and go to the next person. it’s like a horrible plague. or a sandstorm. i can’t see my way out of it so i just sit tight and hope it passes soon. i guess now i can understand how i spend a lot of my time reacting to how i’m feeling including feeling the feeling itself and it’s just exhausting. does anyone do this differently? how do you experience emotions on a daily basis?
i would like to just have one day where i only feel like one thing maybe just joy. for the whole day. instead of, by the time i finally come to the end of my day i could write an entire novel on how i felt 10,000 things none of which made any sense and now here i am lying awake trying to decide which one of those feelings was actually me. when they all were and i just ran out of computing space in my heart to give them all the attention they demanded of me, for every second of the day. i think this is why i’m so exhausted, but i don’t know how to change it. i can’t not feel. it’s impossible. it’s like asking someone not to breathe. i just feel it all, man. i’m too woke to feelings.
i think i don’t like the word jolly-actually that’s not true i actually do like that word. it’s warm. and jello-y. and i like jello a lot. especially orange jello. mmmm. i’m hungry still. i guess i’ll go eat some toast and try to recover the dignity i always seem to lose first thing in the morning. it’s a way of staying humble. never having any dignity. so that’s good i suppose.