good word. the let off feeling of nearly being accomplished, nearly being done only to discover there are five more hours of work ahead of me even if there are now five more hours behind.
the need to be there now and the realization that now is now and later will come, but rushing it destroys the sacredness of almost being there right now. just like the feeling of almost my turn. the almost becoming the purgatory of waiting and wanting that waiting to be for the rest of my life. because almost is safety. and almost is hidden.
almost is also the miss. the it could have been me moment of what was i thinking? and how did i end up here? and what is wrong with me, i almost had it! i was so close. the almost of seeing myself in someone else’s reward. the work cannot be compared but the almost, almost tears me apart.
almost is my heart nearly feeling what i thought it should feel only to find out that feeling wasn’t real. or at least it didn’t last. the swell of possibility. the almost happening. it was almost the moment i had been waiting for. for my whole life. almost.
i say it so much it stops making sense but the weight of what i want suspended between the reality cuts deeper than i know how to see. i’m glad someone writes like me. almost. i’m glad someone gets me. almost. because having what i want makes me realize i have been defining myself in the absences. and not in the…the what? what is the word i’m looking for?
life sometimes seems to me like a series of almosts. and then i realize i almost missed the whole point. 🙂