messy

Messy

this word is just perfectly, perfect right now. i feel such a mess. and it’s not hot, at all. it’s not a cute look for me, but it’s really hilarious tho. this might as well be the theme word for today, my one day off. a day that i’ve been forcing myself to enjoy the crap out of before the work week starts again and of course, am having that thrown back in my face. c’est la vie.

and maybe that’s the beauty of it because nothing really ever goes “according to plan” for me, so it’s helped me just lose any semblance of a plan that i deluded myself into thinking i had a handle on. now i have the utter joy of living in motion. of flowing along instead of being the rock the river wears down. and people just really don’t understand that kind of thinking at all i’ve noticed.

it’s almost blasphemous to admit to not having a five year plan. which, in fact, i have never had. i still don’t believe in a “career path” mostly because they don’t exist anymore and also because why box myself in by other people’s expectations. also the economy. and i get bored too easily. i enjoy trying a lot of different experiences and money isn’t really my main objective in life outside of paying bills, which the more i think of it the more annoyed i become because if you have no bills-why do you work?

which brings me to the next messy part of my life-finding work that has integrity and is actually really fun to do. already my standards are too high, but i keep aiming for the stars, man. just trying to shoot the moon with my hopes and dreams. and that constant messy, letting go of all these emotions that get launched onto everyday, the concurrence of me wanting to remain compassionate yet not having the desire to engage with yet another problem. the cost of emotional labor. see, i really am a millionare millionaire. i spelled that wrong at first-which just goes to show how much experience i have with wealth. LOL!!!

anyhow, i’m going to go read this delightful book from the library. still enjoying this very messy life…mostly.

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2 thoughts on “messy

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  1. Wow! What a day you had. I can appreciate everything you said. I don’t have a 5 yr plan either. I work at a school and every year I have to wonder if I will have a job. It doesn’t bother me necessarily, and I don’t enjoy the job any less. I have a strong faith and I have found when one door closes another opens. I also have two twenty-something boys who are trying to figure things out, and home is often the place they go to figure things out. Sometimes that means staying with us for a few months while they get back on their feet! 😊 I try to stay fluid in my thinking, and open to what life sends my way, and yes, that can be messy! Keep your chin up and take things one day at a time. 💕

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