toxic

Toxic

oh my word, this word could not have been better chosen than if i had picked it myself to describe my recent experiences of learning. today was rough. i did not sleep well last night, tho i’m beginning to wonder what sleeping well actually means. does anyone know what that means? i feel like it’s just some new propaganda they’ve foisted on us and now we’re all stuck comparing our sleep schedules to an inane ideal.

whatever, the point being i feel like i’m needing to just get some space from myself so i can feel more alive again. i’m too in my head and it’s really exhausting me. i think it is toxic. thinking too much. and i only say that because at any given moment i’m running through a million ideas and pathways just to decide that i cannot decide because there are too many options. so yes. i’m exhausted. how do people not think?! i would really like to know.

meanwhile, today was also relaxing i guess. i don’t know anymore. i did walk a lot and then spent the rest of the afternoon feeling sad because i was bored. and that was nice i suppose. i read a little. did my budget for april. collapsed into catatonia again and then read a little more. i wouldn’t say it was unproductive. it was differently productive.

also, i don’t know how to think straight today so whilst i was in the middle of having a conversation with a friend earlier today i completely forgot where i even was. so that was cool. and then they were asking questions and i, as per my usual, said whatever was on my tongue which made no sense and now i’ve been racked with self-doubt and angst since then. life is good.

we millennials get a lot of flack for just existing i think. all i want is to spread love and to be loved. it shouldn’t be this complicated except that i care too much. i lie and say i don’t but only because i’m afraid that if people really knew how much i did care it would crush them. and then me. i want people to know who i am but i don’t want everyone to know who i am. wait…do i want people to know me? hmmm, i don’t know.

and then i came to the extremely hard realization that i don’t think i know myself at all. which led to more tears of anguish [the best kind imo] and more swaddling myself in a blanket and staring at the wall right below my window. what do i even like to do? i wish i had not walked down this road. i’m stuck and there’s no bathroom. also, it’s overgrown with weeds and brush.

anyhow, that’s my sad little tale. happy easter.

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